💌 How to Find the Right Therapist: A Simple Breakdown

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• Finding the right therapist can help you unlock 10x more of your potential, equip you with the skills and toolkit to navigate life’s challenges, and have more enriching relationships and friendships in your life. 

• To find the right therapist, there are 3 core steps in the process: Intention, Discovery, and Iteration.

• This process is intended to break down the process into simpler steps and provide you with the questions you need to gain clarity and connection with your therapist.

🔎 How to Find The Right Therapist (for you)

If you asked me what one of the most important decisions in my life has been, it’s finding the right therapist. 

Finding the right therapist is sort of like finding a great partner in life. My therapist has helped me unlock 10x more of my potential, equipped me with the skills in my mental health toolkit to better navigate life’s challenges and regulate my emotions, and aught me how to become a better friend, partner, colleague, and human to everyone in my life.

However, the process of finding a good therapist can often be confusing, frustrating, or scary.

Today, I wanted to break down my journey and process into a simple framework, and share some tactical tips and insights to help you find the right therapist.

1. Intention

2. Discovery

3. Iteration

But before we dive into the process, I wanted to share some context into why I decided to find a therapist in the first place.

It was the thick of the 2020 pandemic. Everyone had gone into lockdown, and I was still working remotely and living in my tiny studio apartment in the heart of Seattle.

I was struggling. I had terrible health habits and no work-life balance. While trying to lead one of my team’s largest product launches, I developed crippling anxiety and gut health issues, which my doctor prescribed as irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). 

I also struggled in my relationship with my mother, who, at the time, didn’t believe in COVID and thought that my not traveling home for the holidays was a sign that I didn’t care about my family.

Opening up to my friends and partner helped, but I knew that I wanted to talk to a professional who had been trained to help me develop the skills that I needed to learn in order to be able to navigate my life’s challenges.

It took me several tries with different therapists before I was able to find someone that I truly connected with, and if I could go back and tell myself how to approach the process, this is exactly what I would tell them.

Intention

Why do you want to seek a therapist?

The first step in finding the right therapist for me was setting the intentions and being very specific with what I wanted to get out of therapy and what that might look like. My first mistake (which landed me with a therapist I didn’t resonate with) was going into it blind and not knowing what I wanted to get out of it.

A common misconception about therapy is that you need a “big” reason to go to therapy. The reality is, it is true that most people might be inclined to seek therapy when they’re in “crisis mode” or during stressful life events. However, what that looks like can vary for everyone.

We all have unique triggers and life experiences. You don’t need a “big” reason to start therapy. It’s okay to start therapy just because you want a little extra help in some area of your life. In fact, it’s advisable for people to seek therapy long before any crisis occurs so that when the situation happens, they are well-equipped to manage those crises or difficulties in their lives. 

Start by taking some time to reflect on your intentions. Here are 5 questions below to help kickstart that process:

• What areas or issues in my life do I need a little bit more help in?

• Why do I want to work on those areas in my life?

• How would this impact my life if I were able to improve these areas of my life?

• What are the things that are important to me in a therapist?

• A few months from now, how would I want my therapist to help me feel?

Discovery

After setting your intentions, the next step is to understand what options are out there and available for you.

1. Know what your insurance policy is for mental health and what your co-pay would be. If you plan to pay out-of-pocket, then you’re less constrained by insurance and more by your financial situation. Leverage existing free resources. Your employer might be able to offer free therapy sessions through their Employee Assistance Program (EAP). If you have any questions about in-network providers, you can reach out to the customer service phone number on the back of your insurance card. If you are still facing issues with finding a therapist, The Washington Post released an article outlining 10 tips to get mental health support during a therapist shortage.

2. Use an online directory to compile an initial list of therapists whom you want to do further research on and chat with. Use the directory associated with your company or school’s insurance if they have one (e.g. Alma Therapy, etc.). The directory that I used and highly recommend was Psychology Today (their filters are amazing!).

3. Reference the list of the things you value and read the biographies and websites of the therapists you’re seeking. Does your therapist specialize in the issues that you listed? Do they have experience serving other clients similar to you? If you can’t answer all of these questions by looking at their website, most therapists provide a free 15-min consultation where you have the chance to ask these questions. Call each of these therapists you’re interested in, see if there’s any availability, and schedule a time to chat with them.

The first time I called my company’s EAP and asked them to compile a list of therapists whom I think would work for me. The list that they provided for me was extensive, but not targeted to my needs. My first few therapy sessions were with a woman whom I didn’t resonate with, diagnosed me with adult ADHD within the first session, gave me two workbooks to work on, and wasn’t trained to treat or provide targeted support on the issues I wanted to work through. From that experience, I realized it was important to me that my therapist was able to help me work through the issues I wanted to work on (e.g. life transitions, managing anxiety), and was ideally an Asian (preferably Vietnamese-American) woman who would be able to understand the context of my struggles as a first-generation Asian-American woman. I then adjusted my filters within my therapist directory to reflect those changes.

Each person’s criteria will look different, but you shouldn’t feel afraid to communicate those needs and criteria. Therapy is a relationship in itself between the therapist and their client, and sometimes it’s not always a good fit.

Style

You will hear about how there are many different styles of therapy out there, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), eclectic, psychodynamic, and many more. There are also different types of settings as well, such as individual, group, couples, and more. If you’re curious to learn more about those different types, you can read about them here. There’s also another breakdown here provided by Andy Johns. 

However, when I started my journey, I found that it was very overwhelming to figure out which style fits me best. My recommendation at the beginning is to not dive too deep into these technicalities just yet and just chat with different therapists in order to be able to see whom you connect with.

Iteration

If you find a good therapist, you’ll continue to iterate your relationship throughout the course of your sessions together. If you haven’t found a good therapist yet, you’ll also continue to iterate your process of finding the right therapist for you.

How do I know if this therapist is a good fit for me? 

When chatting with a new therapist during the initial consultation, you should feel free to be able to ask them any questions or voice any concerns or fears you may have. If you don’t know which questions to ask, NAMI developed a list of 10 questions (with examples of good and bad answers) that you should be able to ask your therapist in the first session. Be upfront and honest about what you’re looking for; you can share your answers from the exercise we did in step 1.

Pay attention to how your therapist responds to those questions as well as how you feel during your sessions, but be open-minded to different perspectives and approaches in therapy.

Ask yourself throughout your sessions:

• Do I feel guided toward my goals?

• Does my therapist show acceptance and compassion?

• Does my therapist challenge me?

• Do they check in with me?

• Do they help me learn?

• Do they practice cultural competence?

• Do they treat me as an equal?

If you want a more in-depth breakdown of the 10 signs of a good and bad therapist, you can read more about it here.

A few things to keep in mind:

• Therapy is not synonymous with friendship. An effective therapist will challenge you and help you see things from a different perspective, even if it’s hard to hear. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable, and that’s okay.

• Therapy doesn’t always have to be a ground-breaking or heartwrenching experience. You don’t always need to be having an Aha! Moment each time in order for it to be effective. A good therapist sometimes just helps you realize your blind spots and other things about yourself that you might’ve already known, but reframes them in a different way to help you understand yourself or a situation more.

• Therapy may require you to look deeply within yourself, acknowledge painful pasts and truths that may have impacted your present behaviors, and accept and deal with difficult emotions and realities within yourself. It is not easy, and you won’t change overnight. Be proud of yourself for even having the courage to take this step.

During these challenging times, finding a trusted therapist is one of the biggest unlocks in your life. 

Your therapist will be one of the few trusted people in your life with whom you will open up to, and at first, it may feel like speed-dating trying to find the right fit. Additionally, accessibility and affordability of therapy in itself is another issue, but once you find the right therapist for you and put in the necessary self-work, I promise you the benefits that unfold in your life will be endless.

Wishing you all the best in the journey of finding the right therapist for you,

Miribel

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